I’ve noticed that the start of a new month is always a little hard for me to process. Well, maybe not so much “noticed” as “was lovingly pointed out to me.” Our wedding anniversary was on the 2nd, but I’ve been in a funk the past few days even as we celebrated.
James asked me right away if it was about Eli but it still took me another day or so to admit it was.
Actually, it took Sophia throwing an epic fit before school to make me really reflect on my own behavior. That’s always the worst isn’t it? Seeing your least desirable traits on display by the tiny humans you created? Humility, always a fun one.
On the morning in question, Sophia couldn’t find the shorts she wanted to wear for “matching” day at school. After twenty painful minutes of searching, I finally double-checked her drawer (assuming that she looked there FIRST) and imagine my surprise when they were there! In the drawer. Right where they should have been all along.
The heartache we could have saved if we had just looked in the right place! If that isn’t a gospel truth.
I think the wait weighs more heavily on me at the beginning of the month because I see the “time lost.” Another proverbial page flipped on the calendar = another month without him. It’s hard to think of it as one day closer when I can’t see any movement in the process.
Instead, I look at the fresh, new month and see the blank squares as a representation of the memories he won’t be a part of. The fall festival he won’t get to go to, the homecoming football game he will miss, the halloween costume I won’t get to dress him in. I imagine the pictures we will take and all I can see is the huge hole.
James and I spent the first two days of the month at the spa for our anniversary where I literally paid money to relax and still left feeling as restless as ever. It wasn’t until I saw those damn shorts in the drawer this morning that I realized I wasn’t looking in the “first place” for my rest.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
I know that what God is doing behind the scenes in this wait is bigger than I will ever understand. I’m thankful for a God that is for me, for Eli, for his foster family, for his birth family. He is orchestrating a glorious plan that I get to be a tiny part of. My rest is found in His promises, even when I have to remind myself minute by minute some days.
James loves any opportunity to say that whatever you’re looking for is “always in the last place you look” because it took him so long to understand the joke. (Of course it is found in the LAST place you look because you stop looking once you find it.)